At the top of my List of Places I Would Love To Visit But Eh Probably Won’t is Dubai. Some time ago, I met a good looking girl who passed along an article on the city written by George Saunders.

I highly recommend reading the article, but for those of you who eschew recommendations absent of hyperlinks, here is the summary: In the middle of the desert exists the most perfect place in the world where one gets the feeling money actually can buy love, especially if you love sunshine, sand and obscene luxury. This is a city that, in 2006, officially changed its weekend to Friday and Saturday, as a convenience to its tourists. Let’s see Cleveland do that.

After I read it, I immediately emailed her:

“I am now going to become a news reporter specializing in Dubai. I am fairly certain that the only “news” I would report would be items like “Everyone is Still Happy” and “Nuclear Bomb Hits Middle East; Dubai Magic Shield Withstands Blast, Radiation.”

The vast dessert, with its man-made coastlines is like a rich man’s Vegas. But instead of going there to lie in the sun and gamble, people go to lie in the sun and swim (Scrooge McDuck-style) in giant pools of gold. And since gambling is prohibited, nobody bets their rent on a dumbass pair of 9s and then has to sleep in their Ford Escort (stupid, Dan, stupid).

Home to the world’s only six star hotel, what Dubai lacks in tradition it makes up for in opulence. What’s the extra star for? Chauffeured Rolls Royces, 24-hour butler service, a private reception desk on every floor, and dancing girls, tons of dancing girls.* (And not the cheap kind offered by the Hiltons.)

Dubai’s latest shrine to overindulgence is an underwater hotel – Hydropolis, from the Latin “hydro” meaning water, and “dropolis” meaning cliché. And why, you ask, would anyone want to hold their breath all vacation? To experience the joy of finally realizing that Little Mermaid fantasy, of course. Or, perhaps, to lure that pretty girl with great taste in foreign cities away for a $10,000 weekend of fun. Although something tells me, eh, I could probably have her for half that.

* This fact has not been verified. But will be.

- by Dan Murphy of [redacted] fame