Who says Americans aren’t bilingual? I just discovered that in addition to English, we also speak damn fine Globish. That’s right, Globish.

Never heard of it? Well, if you speak English, believe me, you speak Globish. Granted it’s dubbed a ‘constructed’ language and not a ‘natural’ one, but still…

The language was formalized by a Frenchman – a former exec for IBM who had spent some time working and living in the States – in an effort to create a simplified version of English that foreigners could learn to speak among themselves. There are 1,500 words in Globish, most of which anyone with an elementary education (even those children left behind) should know.

The reason I know this is because the Frenchman’s tome is our classroom textbook in my weekly Globish class in Biarritz. In an effort to meet people and improve my French, I signed on to help a group of septuagenarians (Biarritz is a major retiree community) wend their way through Globish. In exchange, they give me free French lessons. They call it exchange de saviors (knowledge exchange) – I call it a win-win situation all around.

The women are real characters…

There’s Christina, an atypically rotund French woman in her late 70s, who learned English at Oxford and actually taught it in Idaho in the 1950s. Christina is still trapped in that decade when it comes to her cultural references, and she is constantly trying to impress me – the native Globish speaker – with turn of phrase.

“Well, the proof is in the pudding!” she exclaims randomly one day. And it seems pudding is not in our Globish lexicon, as the other students are stumped. But Christina gives me a knowing teacher’s pet wink while the other students return blank stares, waiting for me to explain. But my French just isn’t good enough to translate the saying – just think about it, it’s barely explainable in English!

Then there’s Claudette, who is pretty much here to bellow her rich baritone and is constantly ribbing the high-pitched squealers in the class. You see, singing is helpful for learning good pronunciation – one of the most important tenements of speaking proper Globish. Last week, we sang a string of ditties that brought me right back to preschool. The group loves ‘Clementine’ – especially our Anglophone Wild West pronunciation of the French name – and they truly sound like miner 49ers when they belt it out.

Sometimes it’s hard to feel useful in the class, and I question my role as the ‘teacher.’ But recently it became evident just how important my presence is. Just as the French guard their precious language against Anglo infiltrations such as ‘e-mail’ (in French it’s courier électronique), so have I become a defender of nursery rhyme preservation.

As the group belted out a particularly energetic rendition of “This Old Man,” my ears perked at their refrain.

“Knick knack paddy wack give a dog a ball,” they crooned at full throttle, Claudette leading the way, “This old man came rolling home.”

Is that how it went, I wondered? Was it really ‘give a dog a ball’?

I actually found myself questioning my knowledge of the lyrics to a song I had known since I was four. Then I regained my confidence, stepped in and imposed my all-important native know-how.

“It’s give a dog a bone, not a ball,” I explained, with all the smugness of Christina and her proof in the pudding.

And voila – another Globish anthem was restored to its original glory.

- by Terry Ward