I may be a vegetarian, but I would eat a peacock in a second. I’m not even picky: peacock brownies, peacock pizza, I’d even eat peacock ice cream with a little feather sticking out of the cup for garnish. And then I’d eat the feather. Maybe you’re wondering: why all this spite? Don’t worry, there’s a story to back it up.

I was about 3 years old and I was at the London Zoo with my parents for a day out, as we lived there at the time (in England, not in the zoo). The London Zoo just happens to be the oldest zoo in the world, and opened in 1828. I was in my stroller, buckled in tight. It was then that my parents handed me one of my favorite things: a chocolate chip cookie.

I took a bite and began to smile from the top of my ears to the tips of my toes. And I think it was at this point that my parents turned away, because soon after a peacock waddled over to me, plumage all aflutter. (This frankly was weird, because the male peacocks are only supposed to shake their tailfeathers when they’re trying to find a lady peacock to mate with, and I know I’m not their type.)

Apparently English zookeepers think hungry, horny, 3-foot-tall birds should just be able to mingle amongst the common folk. The peacock stared at me with his beady little eyes, lowering his head so he was almost at my eye level. And then he grabbed the cookie right out of my hand and stood there, just past my reach, chowing down on it. As I was fastened in to my stroller, there was not a damn thing I could do. Like some kind of school bully, he just stood there until he finished the whole cookie before running away. And I wish I had yelled out, “What? Don’t you want to insult my mama while you’re at it!?” as I shook my little fist.

My parents never saw this peacock, or so they say. They just thought I had a very vivid imagination. I know this, because they asked if the peacock could talk and whether he asked for something to drink after he finished the cookie. The valuable lesson I got from this excursion? Never trust a dude who’s into tail.

- by Emily Epstein of b’scuse me? fame.