I hate when this happens… -cb

I took a train ride down the coast of France to enjoy the beach in Nice. My friends were clad in their itsy-bitsy bikinis. I, on the other hand, had just recently graduated from the one piece to the tankini, exposing exactly one inch of midriff flesh. But Nice not only boasted miles of golden sand, but miles and miles of tanned, brown breasts.

“I forgot about the topless thing,” I grumbled.

“Fantastic! Now I can finally get rid of these tan lines,” Allison exclaimed while dropping her beach paraphernalia and her bikini top simultaneously.

After much discussion amongst the rest of us, we decided we would also sunbathe sans top. Soon we were lathering our knockers with sunblock, while trying to look like this was all perfectly mundane.

I soon noticed that not only were my “girls” the biggest of the group, but they were also the whitest. Sun bathers nearby were actually blinded as the white of my breasts reflected off the sun, causing me to become human headlights. But I resolved to stay strong and tan what my mama gave me.

The rest of the group seemed quite comfortable and were already lying on their towels, enjoying their music, toes tapping in the sand. I attempted to do the same. Soon everyone else was snoozing. That was when I noticed my sun was blocked. It seemed we had a gentleman caller and I was the only one awake to receive him.

“Bonjour, mon petit chou,” he said.

Now, I don’t know much French, but I really thought that meant ‘my little cabbage.’

“Yeah, sorry, I only speak English.” I attempted to casually cover my bosom, which I realized made me look even more awkward.

“Oh, eh, I speak a little of the English, too,” he answered eagerly.

Oh god, why won’t someone wake up, I thought, as I kicked Kate, who lay next to me. She awoke with a start. The Frenchman seemed even more excited to have additional conscious company.

I also realized that the breeze had stirred something else up—my nipples. And as I noticed it, so did the Frenchmen. And I realized at that point, it’s even harder to tell a man “no,” when your nipples are saying “yes.”

- by Emily Epstein of b’scuse me? fame.